A Review of Sheet Suspenders

We all know Sleeper is against a fussy bedroom. Yes, my waking life is entirely dedicated to the art of sleep. But that has not necessarily to do with thread count and certainly nothing to do with senseless accessories.

It just happens to turn out that one of those items hanging among the blister packs of batteries, poster putty, sour gummies, and light-up keychains at Bed Bath and Beyond is impressively useful. I would never have tried sheet suspenders were it not for Alanna, who posted in response to my rant about waking up in in the midst of bunched-up sheets, which is not unlike finding yourself in last night's clothes after sleeping at your departure gate in Newark.

Yes, your sheets are chosen with care — Yves Delorme. But because they are a little too big, they gather into flabby rolls by dawn even if you don't toss and turn. You may as well be lying there in the middle of a giant diaper.

Sleepers, it is not your fault. Linens makers have ceded to the demand for sheets with deep pockets, owing to the craze in recent decades for extra-fluffy, superthick pillow-top mattresses. If you are savvy and have bought a great standard-thickness mattress, because you know that a pillow top wears out before a mattress does and so is a poor investment, I pet your head.

But we're off the subject. You can buy the $14.99 brand-name sheet suspenders or, Alanna says, the $3.50 generic kind. Those are your options. Your bottom sheet will need just a few seconds of smoothing to be perfectly flat in the making. Now turn your hospital corners, and you're set.

If you have any idea how to cope with morning-after-in-Newark syndrome, let me know.

Needless to say, Sleeper says sheet suspenders are definitely Not Fluff.

Comments

[Alanna]

I'm glad they worked out for you too.